Well, that time in life is upon me, the inevitable time when elderly parents begin to die. Sadly, my father appears to be dying…
I have experienced death only once before when my mother died 43 years ago. This is our first journey into old age, and the end of days. Dad suffers from dementia and has been hospitalized twice in the last month. I recently went down to Vancouver to be with him, my step-mother and siblings.
Prior to leaving for Vancouver I began to think through the impact of this situation on me emotionally… What do I feel about my father’s inevitable death? I am saddened or course, but back in his seventies I had the pleasure and privilege of leading him to Christ at a Promise Keepers event. Then, a couple of years later my brother and I baptized him at a Young Life Men’s Malibu Camp.
Did his life significantly change after his ‘conversion’? No, not really. Does he really understand all that transpired through the decisions he made? I don’t think so. Does he love the Lord? I don’t know. Does he want to be with Jesus in heaven? Yes.
So what can I do but love him, continue to pray for him and trust God’s faithfulness.
My father and I did not necessarily have the greatest relationship. Nor did we have a terrible relationship. He loves me and is proud of me and has told me so. Sure, we had some pretty difficult times over the years and I have had to get through some painful wounds.
Actually, when I was 11 years old I closed my heart to him. I won’t go into the details, but I basically decided that I didn’t need him anymore. I was wrong to do that of course. However, it became a reality I needed to overcome years later.
I love my dad and he loves me. He was never a great communicator though. Years ago I took him away on a special weekend, just the two of us. I thought this would be our big break through, the time when all the things I wanted to hear him say would be said, and we would miraculously have the deep meaningful relationship I had always wanted. But I discovered that a good day with dad was walking along the ocean’s shore amidst the glory of the Coastal Mountains, soaking up the warmth of the summer sun, and simply talking about the weather.
That’s not a slag, nor a judgment, nor a criticism – it’s just reality. And that’s OK.
I can choose to regret what wasn’t, or celebrate what was.
I have discovered I can choose what I will remember about my dad. I can choose to remember all the bad things; the wounds, the disappointments, the shortcomings, the hurtful words, the shattered expectations, the broken promises – you know the kinds of things we tend to struggle with. Or, I can choose to remember the good things; the kind words, the promises kept, the gifts, the pleasant surprises, the values he taught, the character he modeled, the leadership he provided – the plethora of goodness I experienced through my father.
I can hold onto the bad memories, or discard them into the ocean of God’s grace, mercy and love.
I can also hold onto the good memories, to celebrate the man and father he was to me, and the extension of God’s heart he has been as well, or lose the joy of that by holding onto the bad memories.
I choose to remember the good memories, and how God worked in and through my father in my life. I choose to celebrate the man he is, in all his imperfections, and how he has loved me and led me throughout this life.
I love my dad, and am grateful for who he has been to me. We have so much to celebrate and comparatively, so little to regret.
I am sure I am not much different than you. Your father was not perfect either. I do not know your story, but I do know you have memories worthy of celebration and gratitude, and memories worthy of discarding into the ocean of God’s grace, mercy and love.
What will you choose to remember? Let’s celebrate what was, and not simply regret what wasn’t. After all, our sons will have the same decision to make about us…
Romans 10:9-11
“That if you confess with your mouth ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. As the Scripture says, ‘Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.'”
Colossians 3:13
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Exodus 20:12
“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”