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How would you fill in the blank at the end of this phrase?
“The pursuit of…”
The pursuit of happiness? The pursuit of excellence? The pursuit of a goal? The pursuit of God?
How about the pursuit of “…my wife’s heart.” Hmm, probably not the first thing that came to mind. And that’s ok. However, a key role of a husband is to pursue his wife’s heart.
When men typically think of pursuing something it’s for the purpose of capturing it, accomplishing it, or killing it. That’s not the spirit in which I am suggesting we pursue our wife’s heart.
Perhaps you pursued the heart of your girlfriend; then she agreed to marry you. She is now your wife. Are you continuing to pursue her?
Men like to conquer. We can’t look at our wives through the conquering lens though. Don’t pursue her to conquer her. Pursue her to discover her, and to discover the depth of her heart. We need to continue to pursue the heart of our wife to learn how to love her, how to be a friend to her, how to draw her out into the fullness of God’s heart for her, and into the fullness of who we are together.
It has been said that a woman is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be delighted in. Sometimes we are not that good with the concept of mystery. We want to solve mysteries. We want to find solutions. We want to figure things out and fix things.
We can’t do that with our wives. Even Solomon said he didn’t understand women. I am sure I don’t have to convince you that your lady is mysterious in many ways. We are meant to pursue her heart, to pursue the beauty and wonder she bears as a beloved daughter of her Heavenly Father.
As a husband we have the incredible privilege of lovingly pursuing our wife to discover with her the glory of God in her, delight in who she is, and demonstrate your love for her as a reflection of God’s love for her.
Women bear the image of God in a way that is very distinct from how men bear the image of God. There are many ways in which that is evident, but one way is in a woman’s desire to be pursued, to be delighted in.
God said, “If you seek me you will find me if you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 29:13
Basically God is saying, “I am worth your effort. Pursue me.”
I believe women carry that same desire to be pursued. Your wife wants you to pursue her, to delight in her, to discover her, and to demonstrate your love for her. She wants to know that she is worthy of your pursuit.
When you pursue her heart you are going to discover her unique glory, passion, gifting, talents, abilities and perspectives. In addition, you will discover her woundedness. You can be an agent of healing for her. Remember though, you are not her healer and her rescuer – only Jesus can heal and rescue her.
You are lovingly leading her to the Healer, leading her to the Rescuer.
Here is something you can do: ask your wife what makes her heart Glad – what she really enjoys. Listen carefully. Become a student of her heart. She may be able to tell you, or her heart may be so hidden that you have to gently and deliberating help her discover it. And that takes time.
A simple thing you can do is create a file for your wife in the notes on your phone. When I hear Anne say something like, “I’d really like to…” or, “I really love…” or, “I’ve always wanted to…”, I make a note of it in my “Anne File”. I then try to make it happen.
Men, pursue your wife’s heart, not to conquer, but to discover her. Delight in who she is and demonstrate your and God’s love for her.
Your wife’s heart is a noble pursuit.
Proverbs 30:19
“There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas and the way of a man with a maiden.”
Proverbs 5:18-20
“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Why, my son, be intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman?”